Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

There has never been a truly awful, awful entry in the _Pirates of the Caribbean_ franchise. But there's only ever been one that was truly any good. _Dead Men Tell No Tales_ does nothing to alter these assertions. I would not begrudge anybody who enjoyed their time with this latest _Pirates_ movie, particularly anyone who saw it on the big screen, there's the zany action romps that the series has been famous for from the get go (and that started wearing thin on me after the second one) and some truly spectacular visuals including shiny rocks and zombie sharks (which I will refrain from making a joke about jumping). But where _Dead Men Tell No Tales_ fails harder than anywhere else is in its dialogue. Virtually every line is uncomfortable to hear delivered, and I can't see myself looking forward to the inevitable sixth instalment. _Final rating:★★ - Had some things that appeal to me, but a poor finished product._

If only we could recycle our waste as efficiently as Disney appear to be able to recycle this theme! Once again, we find "Jack Sparrow" (Johnny Depp) in a bit of bother from someone from his past. This time it is Javier Bardem ("Salazar") who has escaped from his purgatory in the "Devil's Triangle" to avenge himself on his arch-enemy. Meantime, the young "Henry Turner" (Brenton Thwaites) seeks help to track down Poseidon's Trident which will empower him to take control of the seas, and to reunite with his father - the original "Bootstrap" (Orlando Bloom). There's no doubt that this is a great looking film, the effects are spectacular but the story is little better than a regurgitation of voyages gone by. The cuties that were Bloom and Kiera Knightley have been succeeded by the handsome, boyish Thwaites and his feisty astronomer pal "Carina" (Kaya Scodelario) but otherwise, it is another pretty formulaic prolongation of this colourful adventure franchise. It has some humour, there's a tiny cameo from Sir Paul McCartney that raises a smile (if only because you are never entirely sure if it is actually him); Geoffrey Rush still manages to inject oodles of charisma as "Barbossa", and Bardem offers a bit of menace - but Depp can only get away with that hail-fellow-well-met meets a drunk persona so often before he becomes a parody of his own characterisation. It's fun to watch, for a time, but after a while I was just bored. The format offers unlimited opportunity for fantasy and adventure, but maybe it is time for the "Black Pearl" to join the "Queen Mary" and HMY "Britannia" and just settle down as a respectable old lady of the sea - and a tourist attraction!